The Pondering of a (formerly) scared child

Hey, this is just a thoughtful blog post not really relating to anything that's going on in youth ministry... but if you're still interested, keep reading.

Last night I sat at my desk and contemplated the fact I still had a noticeably stuffy sinus (I got a cold 2 weeks ago). At that same desk sat my pill bottle of echinacea (a herbal pill made from a flower that helps with immune systems). I figured, "hey, maybe I'll take some before going to bed so that this cold leaves me faster."

I popped two into my mouth, thinking nothing of it and an hour later I felt a little funny but figured it would pass.  I turned off my computer and light and laid in bed.

After another two hours I awoke abruptly feeling unsettled, short of breath... and my tongue felt larger than normal.

Getting up and out of bed, I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked okay, eyes a little bloodshot -but that was to be expected after a long day and in the middle of the process to try and sleep- but my body still felt weird. A pressing thought concerned me, "what if..."

I checked the echinacea bottle, it said to only take ONE pill every 4 hours.

I took two in one go. 

"Oh no."

I decided to look up what the symptoms of taking too much echinacea was... a few sites I looked at listed the symptoms I had, "nausea, fever, swelling of tongue, shortness of breath" and others, and recommended if the conditions worsened that it would be wise to seek medical attention.

I sat in bed figuring my options. Glancing at my clock, it was 10:30pm and I had taken the pills around 8pm ish. Should I wake up my housemates to take me to the hospital? No, they have a baby and the guy has to work in the morning... I can't nor do I want to disturb them.

I was starting to get worried. I opened a new tab to facebook and messaged my parents saying, "are you online," hoping they, or at least one of them, would be up and able to help me figure out if I should go the the hospital or wait it out.

They were not online.

I prayed to God, "Please, help my body and guide my decision making. If I should go to the hospital, make me feel more sick, if not... please heal my body and protect it."

I sat there for what felt like 5min before I decided, "I'll wait another hour, if nothing gets worse, I'll go to sleep."
Sitting with my back against the bedframe I sighed, "I guess... I can talk to you while I'm awake... haven't done this in a while... God, I made a mistake, I should not have taken those pills without reading the instructions... I made a stupid mistake and it could end up hurting my body...

"I... I know I won't die, there's been to much going on in my life that would seem meaningless to end it here and now... but if there's a chance, please, let it not be like this... not over a stupid mistake...

"I... I'm scared... I'm scared, God." That's when I started crying. I felt so alone, thinking that I could have very well overdosed on pills and no one would know (at least not right away). I felt like a scared child running to their parent's bedroom after having a nightmare.

However, it was then I realized:

"God, I'm not alone, you are here... and thank you, thank you that you do not sleep and you're not like a parent that gets upset or scared when their kid comes to them in the middle of the night feeling scared. You don't need sleep... you don't sleep, so I can come to you and know you're not going to be disturbed by my fear."

Once 11:30pm rolled around I decided to lay down again and sleep, since by then I was feeling slightly better and I'd have to wake up in 5ish hours for work.

I went to sleep after offering up a final prayer of thanks and protection as I slept.

After some intense dreaming my alarm woke me up. Tapping the 'dismiss' button, I gathered my bearings and realized, "I'm okay."

I made it through the night, and I felt okay.

I got to work around 7am, feeling slightly sleep deprived and like an idiot for last night's escapade. While at work, my co-worker was telling me about how his son was feeling sick and he was going to take him to a doctor to see if everything is okay.
"It's bad, but kind of nice," he said to me, "when he's sick, he gets really cuddly and I love that."
I thought it was adorable my co-worker felt that way towards his son. Then... it made me wonder...

Did God feel/think the same way of me last night when I was praying to Him?
Does God like it when we, like scared children, come to Him and want to be cuddled, comforted as it were... when situations beyond our control arise (even if they were cause by stupid mistakes?)

Part of me likes the idea, and really wants to believe it... God our Father, and good shepherd, who's adopted those of us who believe in Christ into His family as sons and daughters...

So, moral of the story - ALWAYS read the pill bottle before doing what you think is okay.
Secondly... God is a good God, who does not sleep, nor needs it - so it's okay to call out to Him in the middle of the night when you're scared... He's ready for it.


~To God be the glory

Hopes and dreams

Hey everyone!

My apologies for lack of writing - things have been going smoothly more or less in youth ministry.

There have been a few events (not of the youth program variety) that have happened in the last little while that I did not think a simple blogg could deal with:

Like grief within the church,
or weekly happenings within the youth group,
or my personal thoughts and feelings in my own life.

However, since it is April, that means some changes are occurring:

1. AMAZING WEATHER FOR ONE - today is my day off and I am for sure NOT staying inside once it gets to 20 degrees celsius outside.
2. Briercrest students finishing up their semester - and therefore some of the ones volunteering will be leaving us.
3. Finding at least one new youth leader volunteer, who is an older male, that will be joining us for Jr. youth.

Our youth group meets till near the end of June, so that means we only have two and a half months left with our team/family.

THIS ALSO MEANS THIS ISLANDER GIRL IS THAT MUCH CLOSER TO GETTING HERSELF BACK ON THE ISLAND.

I'm sure some of you may be thinking, "What about your job?" "Are you going on vacation?" "ARE YOU STAYING THERE FOREVER?!"

After the past few months, there has been a stirring within me that my current job is needing to come to a close. It has been awesome, and I will always and forever love the people there... but something is changing/ needs to change this year, and I do not fully know all the details, but I am trusting in God as He leads me through this time of changes.
I am going back to the Island by July as a sort of vacation. I have found myself longing more and more to be surrounded by nature, and see my family... It's been almost four years since I've spent any sort of time on the Island for more than just a week or two... So I am Island bound by July, and it makes sense to do it then since there is no Youth Group for two months.

"I just wanna go home..."

So, no, I will not be staying there forever - at least at this point I do not think so.

Anyway, next week youth group is back on for Jr. and Sr. (we had a week off since it's spring break for the youth) - and it'll be good to get back into the swing of things, with new mindsets, hopes and dreams in this spring season.

Continual prayer for the leaders now, and the ones yet to come.
Prayer for youth ministry as we enter this spring season.
Prayer for the Youth Pastor as he leads us and remains humble and submissive to the direction of God and the Holy Spirit's promptings.

~To God be the glory

Unexpected (but in a good way)

I think the best word to describe how this past week has been is: Unexpected.

Two major things that make me think this:

1. Ever since telling people about that "Pharisee goes Prodigal" incident, and sharing it on this blogg... I've had nothing but encouraging feedback from those who have spoken/written to me since confessing.

Honestly, I did not know what to expect when sharing that story... I certainly hoped for graciousness and understanding, but it was not what I was expecting the whole time - if anything, I was preparing myself for someone to chew me out (and rightly so) question my motives... but so far, that's not happened and now I'm not anticipating it anymore.

Before I say what the second thing is - thank you, to all of you who have contacted me and expressed encouragement and shown me grace. Truly, I value it. 

2. I gave a talk in youth group Wednesday evening about Jesus and his disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane (on the Mount of Olives); and there were some verses I did not know how to interpret so I had to wait till the day before to use commentaries from a library in a nearby town.

AS A FORMER STUDENT THIS WAS MENTALLY UPSETTING FOR ME.
I absolutely loath not working on something at least three days in advance so I've had time to ponder and consider all the concepts raised in my studying and know which I can work with and talk about.

Since I did not get that opportunity this talk session, I felt rather unprepared giving the talk... and felt like it was really simple, almost superficial.

HOWEVER, it was not till pod group time/ youth leader's debrief that I discovered good conversation came out of the talk regardless.

It was in one of the pod groups I lead after I gave the talk that some sweet conversation happened flowing from the talk - like "what if Adam and Eve didn't sin, would Jesus be with us?" "Why didn't God kill/stop the snake from tempting Eve" "Why would Jesus need to be afraid to die?" - and those questions came just from the group I was with.

I found out from another youth leader that one of their kids did not realize that Jesus felt things like "sorrow" and stress, and another group ended up having to explain how the Trinity works.

All that being said, it was amazing to see and hear about the results that flowed from a talk I felt unprepared for. One of the youth leader's said to me, "The Gospel is so powerful and important, not to say the rest of the Bible isn't, but there is something to the Gospel's that is really impactful."

JUST SO YOU KNOW - I am NOT saying that being lazy, or "winging" a talk and thinking "God can use whatever I say," is acceptable all the time. But this talk was a good reminder that no matter the studying I can pour into a talk, or the theological concepts we can dig up and discuss, or the eloquent words and speech I wove together, can truly make any difference if God is not part of it.

What is amazing about youth ministry and youth group is being able to see the growth of faith and love in God happen in the teens, and to see their excitement or their "mind blown" over things they've never comprehended or heard of before.
Seeing teens excited to know God more and desire to deepen their relationship with Him is the MOST amazing privilege I have.

I cannot wait and see how this group continues to grow and change under the care of each other and influence of God's love.

~To God be the glory

I have good news [This is Gospel] (part 2)

This is a continuation from my blog post "I have a confession [Pharisee goes Prodigal] (part 1)" so if you're just jumping in, you might want to go to that post first before continuing on with this one.

Last time I left off saying I was wondering why I had not experienced God's wrath since I had committed a sin against Him. 
I realize that I had been wondering about this, without realizing it's what I've had trouble understanding.
I did not deserve God's mercy or forgiveness, but I had received it because of Jesus... but if God really hates sin, and I had hurt Him like I did when I sinned, why was I not receiving SOME SORT of punishment?

Well, after 20-ish days of wondering this, I finally got my answer.

The church is going through a series called "No Longer Slaves" and we read through Numbers 11:4-20 (21-35 were summed up).

It's an account where the Israelites are complaining about eating manna (that God Himself was providing for them) and were LONGING for the food and "comforts" of Egypt. Moses and God hearing the Israelites whining, caused God to get angry and Moses questioned why God placed this people of burden on him.  God helped Moses first by getting him to appointed elders to assist him lead the people... then God gave exactly what the Israelites wanted - meat, and lots of it. "Until it comes out of [their] nostrils and [they] loathe it," because they had rejected the Lord (Numbers 11:20). Their very God whom was among His people, and they wailed before him about why they even left Egypt, their place of oppression. As the people who had rejected God ate the meat, they were struck with a plague and died, and that placed was called "Kibroth Hattaavah {graves of craving}, because there they buried the people who had craved other food" (Numbers 11:34).

While the preacher was talking, something triggered in my head.
I recalled in John's gospel that Jesus referred to himself as the "bread of life" that replaces the Manna that Moses gave (John 6: 30-36), and in this chapter of Numbers, the Israelites were rejecting the Manna that God was providing for them and craving for the things of Egypt (and the place itself even though it was an oppressive and enslaving place).
Then there's Moses, the mediator and advocate for the people of Israel, who, after the people had been wailing, said to God, 

"Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” (Numbers 11:11-15).

Moses couldn't even handle these people, and God dealt justly with them by giving them what they wanted. Then God let a plague kill the rebellious people, because they had rejected God and sinned against Him even though they said they would be His people and follow Him. 

I thought through this chapter and saw how these chosen people rejected God (thusly sinning and angering Him), and received His wrath justly.

I wondered, "Why didn't I experiencing something like that when I sinned against God."
It was then I realized... 
Jesus was my advocate. 

He was/is the better Moses, the one who COULD/CAN handle the burdens of sinful people, the one who COULD/CAN face the ruin of the cross and be glorified through it. 
Jesus was not just a sinless human... he was and is God Himself, that came to take all my sins away so I could have a relationship with Him. 

In my moment of sin... it was because my flesh was weak... I was going with what my sinful nature knew to look promising but under-delivered, but my mind that belongs to God showed me what choosing to view pornography was doing to Jesus on the cross.
"What a wretched [human] I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25).

Had I been an Israelite living under the O.T. Laws... I could have been obliterated by God because of the sin I committed against Him, but because of Jesus, and his establishing of the New Covenant with his death on the cross... God's wrath was taken out on Him.

When I realized that Jesus was/is my advocate,

I had this image come to mind where Jesus stood before me, facing God, and defending me.

His arms were stretched out, like he was shielding me... and all I could do to express

my thanks... was to hug him from behind. 

How I long to meet with Jesus so that I can thank him face to face for what he has done for me. Because of Jesus I do not have to fear the wrath of God for my sins... and I can have a right relationship with Him, because I have the righteousness of Jesus in me as I claim him as the Lord and Saviour of my life and follow as he leads in the Bible.

This is the Gospel, dear readers... Jesus, who is one with God, came to earth to bring hope, love, and understanding to humanity in order that we would have a right relationship with God that sin no longer separates us from.

Praise be to Jesus who revealed the love of God with his life and death!

~To God be the Glory

I have a confession [Pharisee goes Prodigal] (part 1)

[Writer's note: if you are reading this story, then it is because I have been able to count on two hands the number of people I have shared this account with, and now I am confident in Jesus the Christ/Messiah, who has forgiven all my sins, has graced me with courage and assurance to share this account to whomever reads it. To God be the glory!]

I believe there is one reason most Protestant denominations have neglected the aspect of confession... the process leading up to it HURTS.

I had to confess to my Youth Pastor of a sin I had committed against God.

This sin I committed was against God - as in I actively did it knowing God did not want me to to it... and in the process of doing it, I said, "I don't care."

After I committed the sin - this image came to mind... that I wrote in poetic form.

Deadly resolve (like an albatross)  

What actually happened (Spiritual Perspective): 

In the blackened void I stood over my Saviour. 

He lay on His back, arms spread, feet together. 

Hammer in hand, I straddled His torso;  

His face etched with betrayal and sorrow. 

He knew what my intentions were, 

He whispered my name. Smells like myrrh.  

My grin turned sinister,  

“I don’t care,” I slurred.  

Hammer collided with nail, 

blood splattered after the impale.  

Cries of agony rang out like major notes,  

maniacal laughter escaped my throat.  

Darker, yet darker; fades to black. 

Silhouettes and shadows displaying the attack.  

  

What happened (Friday Night): 

I was tired, I was upset, I was in pain; 

I wanted the emotional and physical strain to leave, 

I wanted to feel relief again. 

I turned on the laptop; 

I searched for laughter, I searched for entertainment, 

I found porn on my desktop.

I knew it was wrong, I knew what I was doing,  

but I said, “I don’t care.” 

The feelings of discomfort kept stewing. 

Pain was replaced with lust, 

it lasted during that time of viewing, 

but in the end, all I felt was disgust.  

The realization that hit was all too real,  

the deadly resolve; 

to take control of what I wanted to feel.  

I nailed my Saviour to the cross, 

when I decided to be my own God. 

Lost in a sea of blame. Like an albatross 

around my neck, shame has me in a bind. 

I feel my sins crawling on my back; 

twisting my heart, and tainting my mind. 

I have a confession: 

I have sinned against God and it affects people too;  

will you forgive me for my transgression?  

Yeah. 



In the decision to watch porn, I was doing that to Jesus. 

This pained me so badly once that scene came to mind and realized what I had done to my Saviour by doing what I wanted to do.
I have been raised in a Christian home that told me to do things based on what is good because God says so. I understood this and applied it, almost like a Pharisee.
This is the first sin I can recall that I blatantly did something that I knew God would not want me to do, but I did it anyways because I wanted what I wanted.

When I sinned, I realized I had hurt God directly in doing it... not just on a "Tsk, I should have done that, welp, moving on" level.
This was full out rebellion.
This Pharisee went Prodigal.

Thank God that He convicted me with this image that prompted me to write it out in poetry.... but, we were not done there.
I felt deep within my spirit that someone else needed to know what I had done, and repented for.

So... I went to the Youth Pastor. I knew that this sin does affect the ministry I am involved in, and if I could not be trusted after confessing, then I figured the youth pastor had the right to know and make a judgment call. I would be a hypocrite if I did not say anything... so I knew he was the first one I needed to confess to.

As I walked to the church - my body shook, my chest was heavy, and even as I asked God for strength, but part of me felt like I didn't deserve to ask God for anything after what I had done. 

As I sat in the youth pastor's office, I looked straight into his eyes as I confessed my sin, shared the poem with him, sobbed like a child... and yet... he forgave me.
He assured me that my ministry involvement would not be compromised, the fact I had confessed was assurance of my soft heart's response to the Holy Spirit's conviction.
The youth pastor also assured me that in Jesus, I have assurance of Salvation.

In that same hour with the youth pastor of confession, forgiveness, affirmation, and prayer, he and I planned together the next few weeks of youth group talks.

After I had left the church and was walking back home - my shakes were gone, and my chest felt so light, and my soul felt at ease. HOWEVER, I still was not done. 

I asked a dear friend to be my accountability partner, and after she heard my confession of sin, she mercifully said she would, and was gracious to state the lengths of help she would go to if I needed it.
At one point in the conversation she brought up the reality that Jesus stands at God's side defending me on my behalf despite my sins.
I started crying again and responded, "knowing that... despite that image of me nailing Jesus to the cross-"
My friend nodded her head, "He's still defending you. Even if you don't feel forgiven, you are."

It's so good to know that even though I messed up horribly, God and my Christian friends can find it in their hearts to forgive and even help me.

However, even though I had confessed, and was on the way of understanding God's forgiveness... I could not understand why God's wrath was not part of the equation. If God truly despises sin and rebellion, why have I not received some sort of punishment? Since February 2nd I've been wondering about this, and on February 28th, I received my answer...


(Part 2 to follow - "I have good news [This is Gospel]")


~To God be the Glory