Following God will not make sense most of the time

How this week started...

How it's ending: brooding level 100. 

This is what happens when you are not communicative and living in fear of how one can affect others. 

I had a conversation with my Senior Pastor at Hillcrest a week-ish ago, and he asked me, "When do you come alive," that is to say, when in ministry does my passion unleash? I told him it's when I'm studying Scripture, and giving talks in youth group, as well as one on one conversations with them.

However, I'm purely a volunteer in youth group, but ministry is where I am function well as the person God made me to be... but I have to make money because life... and responsibility... and not being a burden... and food.

So, I think I almost came to a falling out with my work place because I had not clearly communicated with my boss what times I could work and what time I couldn't this fall, and he was stressing enough as it was so when I told him, "I also have youth group on Friday evenings" .... it almost didn't end well.

My boss and I had a meeting the next day, he was doing better, but I was not (feeling his frustration and knowing I was a cause to it really left its mark). I apologized once again (I did that a lot the day before when he was really upset), and told him straight up that "As a Christian, I am meant to be truthful and honest, and I haven't been because I have been afraid of how people will react to me and what I say or ask of them; but I will not do that anymore."

~Side note: It's ironic (or perfect timing) that in Jr. Youth we are going through 1 John where that famous verse is found, "there is no fear in love," (1 John 4:18), and I will be giving a talk on that chapter next week. ~

I came into that arranged meeting fully ready to drop my job if that meant not being able to commit to youth group.

I get that seems like a stupid move. "Sarah, if you do that, how will you support yourself finically? You need to be able to pay the bills."
Yeah, I get that, even as a young adult I know money is a thing to function in this world and it doesn't 'grow on trees.' However... I've gotten so invested in youth group, and church, and have been telling others that it's important over homework, and jobs, and money... so, how would that look if I were to drop youth group, even one of the nights, or most Sundays and worked. What would that say to the youth then? Or the youth leaders? Or my faith and (what little I have) trust in God if I backed out now?
Also, if I was going to be a cause of such stress for my boss and co-workers, then it would be best if I moved on.

If there is ANYTHING I've learned being a Christian, it's that following God will not make sense most of the time, and doing what is right will not always involve good feelings and glad tidings. There will be times when one has to struggle, fight, even suffer (emotionally, mentally, physically, whichever) as they trust themselves with God and how they live their lives in honour and glory to Him. However, it is worth it to the every end as we read Biblical accounts, martyrs, and and hear from the lives of missionaries, Saints, pastors and preachers; that in their struggles, turmoil, and even death, we see God glorified because of their faith in Him. 

I know... I know in my very soul that I long to be part of, if not immersed, in ministry. I want to see youth and people grow in their faith and love for God and be transformed by His mercy and grace, and to share that with the rest of humanity like we are called to. I cannot function in any sort of "work place" because ministry and work often conflict in my mind and when I see my co-workers hurt emotionally, physically, even spiritually, there is only so much I can say or do because my intentions are rooted in God and the Scripture and they don't understand that because they are not Christian. How I long for the day when God will soften their hearts to hear the Gospel and know they are created for a greater purpose, there is hope in Jesus, and God's love is real. 

So for now, the work schedule reads that I have hours to work next week (starting tomorrow afternoon), and they do not conflict with youth group or church. I pray that God in His mercy and patience will continue to lead and guide me on the path that has this Islander girl out on the Prairies.
That God's perfect love will cast out the fear that constantly haunts me as I work with and interact with people. That I do not return to being the Fearful Pharisee I have been for so long and God will soften my heart to Him and train me to use the Spiritual Armour (Ephesians 6) He has provided.

To God, though Jesus Christ we find love and redemption, be the glory forever and ever. 

~Amen.