Wrestling with pain, fear, femininity, and masculinity

After this past weekend out at Kedleston, and listening to the talks Ken gave, I've found myself visiting some past problems with my personality.

The talks Ken gave about 'Pain' and 'Fear' really hit home.

In my blog about 'Youth ministry and personality' I talked about how I'm an Introvert (according to the MBTI I'm an ISFJ [Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging] / INFJ [Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging]) and HSP (highly sensitive person) - I think a lot of my insecurities have somewhat to do with my personality.
When Ken talked about 'pain' he mentioned people who physically have to hurt themselves in order to deal with the emotional pain. Even though I have never brought a knife to my skin, or punched a tree till my knuckles broke and bled... I have visualized and contemplated it. And I've punched a wall or thrown things at the wall (nothing that could break) when I've been alone.

When it comes to my own pain, or feeling the pain of someone else who I am interacting with - sometimes the emotional and mental turmoil is too much and you physically need it to be relseased in some way, shape, or form. This is how some people come to physically harm themselves.

When Ken talked about how guys would get violent and girls would cry when it came to pain, I chuckled because I find I do both (and depending on the situation crying and getting violent can happen at the same time).

- As a side note to make this blog less personal rantie and a little more educational: In Leonard Sax's book 'Girls on the Edge,' he talked about feminine and masculine qualities. After three decades of gender studies, he says, "Any individual may be very feminine; or very masculine; or both feminine and masculine, androgynous; or neither feminine nor masculine, undifferentiated. It's a two-dimensional both/and. Masculine and feminine are not exclusive" (pg. 186). 
"...masculine and feminine are not opposites at all, they are simply different, complementary, nonexclusive ways of being human" (pg. 187)
"Bly and Woodman believe that one aspect of a fully-developed sense of self has to do with how you work out within yourself the balance of your inner masculine and your inner feminine" (pg. 188). - 

Get this book ^,

and one called "Boys Adrift,"

also, "Why Gender Matters." 

BACK TO MAIN STORY RANTIE TIME:
The sad thing is, most of the time when I get sad or upset, I cannot hit a wall or punch a tree because that could cause a scene so I don't do it if there are people around; and I try not to cry unless I can escape somewhere by myself so that I'm not ashamed to express my sadness or frustration.

As for fear, well, it's no secret that one of my fears heavily lies in the future, and failure. But I've found there's something more to my fear than I knew before.
I contemplated what it was that I feared the most, and I thought about pain.
I had this scene play in my head where I was defending someone (with a sword and shield) and I got hurt in the process - that didn't bother me. However, the idea of the person who got hurt because I failed to protect them did bother me, and in that scene I was scorned by others because of it.

It came to me that the thing I fear the most is myself. That I'm not good enough, not worthy enough, not strong enough, not knowledgeable enough, to meet the expectations of others (that I think they have of me without actually knowing for sure) and myself.

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I find myself looking at someone I hardly know staring back at me. What I'm saying is my physical form is unfamiliar with me. This could be equated to me not caring about appearances or concern for my physical form, but this also could be a symptom of anxiety.

Another thing is, I'm a cryer. I can cry just by thinking about something sad if I put my imagination and senses into it. It's always been a thing for me... except, even to this day, I hate it when I cry.

It does't matter what I read about the benefits of crying, or the fact I'm female so it's more accepted. The thing is, I believe people think crying to be a source of weakness, manipulation, or burdening. Even on the retreat, when I cried I did my best to turn my face away and wipe the tears off because "I'm a youth leader, I can't have people or my youth see me like this." I know people are often uncomfortable around those who cry and do not know how to act when it happens. That's why I do not like to cry in front of people, because I do not like to think I'm the cause of their discomfort because of my own emotions.

I long for a time when I can cry around someone, or people in general, and know that they will simply let me cry or at the least do this:

If you hug me, I can cry in your shoulder and hide the fact I'm crying...

I know the verse, "Jesus wept" (John 11:35), it has often been my go to verse knowing that God Himself has cried when He felt stress and was in pain, along with  Psalm 6 where the psalmist describes himself flooding his bed with weeping and drenching his couch with tears. However, it's still the case that I find shame when I cry even though it should be accepted and encouraged when necessary.

Looking back on the part where I added Leonard Sax's observations on what it is to be female and male, I can see that I have both "qualities" as to how girls and guys react to pain. Perhaps I am in need of coming to terms either with how God made me and/or syphoning through with Him what emotional/physical responses would bring Him honour and glory when pain happens. Maybe if I came to terms with how God made me, maybe I could look in the mirror and not be so unfamiliar with my physical form, and I can be at peace with it. 

~To God be the glory