The Topic of Christian dating and why it's important

What is with that title?

I feel like this topic is more hard and embarrassing to write about than my 'Sexualized Society' and 'Marriage and Sex' posts. WHY? Marriage and sex is more clearly defined in Scripture as to what is acceptable and not, also there are many examples given about the topics from people in scripture. Dating on the other hand... well... it's not.

We - at least Canadians - live in a society that allows consenting adults to find and make their own relationships within and out of marriage, as opposed to having arranged marriages set by parents and/or guardians. There are examples in the Bible of arranged marriages (due to cultural influences) with and without God having His hand in them (See Ruth and Boaz, Rebecca and Jacob, Eve and Adam, etc.), but as Christians, who are Canadian, we have the almost daunting task of figuring out for ourselves who we ought to look for as a lifelong partner.

Before I continue, I need to make a disclaimer - the ideas and topic came from a online video series based in Southland by Dan and Olivia Hungerford. I will be doing my best to sum up what their videos contain and what is important to note about Christian dating. I would HIGHLY recommend going through this series yourself and get the full experience : The Dating Seminar

Without further ado, let's talk about Christian dating:

Part 1 - Understanding the dating culture 

1. The purpose in understanding dating culture
1. to understand the desire from God to date in order to get married
2. to know how to date with God's heart and purpose
3. what to look for in dating potential 
4. to keep you from falling into sinful pitfalls 
2. Theme: Cultural normalities 
1. living in a brutally intensive society 
1. media and culture leads the way and not Jesus
2. Romans 12:2 - do not conform, be renewed 
3. When our Christian foundation is broken, our mind gets warps, and the enemy (Satan) uses media and culture to dictate how to date and view/use sex
2. the concept of: "if it feels good, then just do it"
3. There are 5 cultural norms:
1. Media sets the standard for normality
1. gets us to think things that are not biblical
2. intake: tv, internet, advertisements, music
3. what goes into your mind, will come out of your heart 
2. Sexuality is everywhere because our culture dictates it
1. magazines, advertisements - using photoshopped images of gorgeous people half naked or full on naked but conveniently covered
3. Media has influenced our culture
1. 1950 - the word 'pregnant' was not allowed to be on tv
4. Casual Sex
1. foreplay is a form of sexual pleasure
2. when two people lay down next to each other - male and female - a chemical is released that prepares us for sex
5. Living together before marriage
1. "you need to live together to know if you're compatible" - that takes away the surprise of growing to love and learn with each other 
2. God designed us to grow in marriage, not live together before it 
4. Christians actually love to be counter cultural - there is something within that desires to be different from the rest of the world
1. this desire is also appealing to those who are not Christian
2. ways to be countercultural
1. continually be fed by the word and prayer
1. the more this happens, the more you will fall in love with God, and the cultural desires die away
2. careful about what we allow in our eyes and ears
1. conscience is sharpened when sensitive to God's desires 

Summary: the desire to be in a marriage relationship is good, God designed us that way. However, things like the 5 cultural norms are what badly screw our views on marriage and dating if we are not actively seeking to be counter cultural with the help of God. Through prayer, reading the Bible, and being aware of what we see and listen to, our sensitivity to God's desires will affect how we view the aspects of dating and marriage, as well as the people around us.

Part 2 - Made for Relationships 

1. Verses and passaged from the Bible about relationships and bodies
1. Genesis 1-3 - God notes it is not good for man to be alone, so he made woman 
2. 1 Cor 6:20 - we were bought at the price of Jesus' death and resurrection, we need to honour God with how we treat our bodies 
3. Titus 2:12 - say "no" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age
2. Conviction on sin is good - 1 Thess 4:3-4 - allows for godly change 
3. What is sexual sin? - ANYTHING that turns you on outside of marriage
4. Red Zones of dating - 2 extreme type - both are sinful 
1. One red zone - sexual permissiveness
1. 1 Cor 16:18 - one sin that a person commits against their own body
2. end up living in guilt
3. 2 Cor 5:10 - we will have to give an account before Christ of everything we have done
4. John 15:19 - disciples of Jesus do not belong to the world 
2. Second red zone - rules and legalism 
1. Matt 23:27 - similar to Pharisees with their added rules for how Jews are to live besides from the OT
2. going overboard with the rules and standards set for self and others 
1. putting the dating potential in marriage zone, BEFORE dating them
2. tendency to pose their instruction from the LORD onto others
3. Over spirtualizing dating
1. listening prayer, image of someone they will marry - chase them down and the other person is freaking out
2. "I'm waiting for the one/ that one" - those who are CONSTANTLY waiting
3. When we partner with God, we need to take action as well as instruction 
5. Green Zone of dating - godly dating that produces godly marriage, and godly marriage can produce godly offspring 
1. Boundaries are needed
1. seek godliness - that shows up in lifestyle, character, and choices 
2. maturity - in choices and how they live 
3. need to be SINGLE first before pursuing someone 
2. There are 5 things to note before dating the potential 
1. Must be a Christian, following Jesus with their lives
2. Growing in their walk with God
3. No addictions or life controlling behaviours
4. must not exhibit personality or spiritual deficiencies 
5. MUST be willing to work on known weaknesses in order to mature in their walk with God 
3. be immersed in scripture and listening prayer 

Summary: There are 3 kinds of zones when it comes to dating: 2 Red zones that are sinful, and a Green one that is godly. The two red zones are sexual permissiveness and legalism - both places us into bondage and have unhealthy views on dating, marriage, sex, and relationships with people. The green zone seeks to place boundaries that are helpful before and while dating that are honourable to God. Since Christians be not belong to the world, and follow Christ's example on living god honouring lives, we must not fall into the red zones when it comes to dating and relationships.

Example of Red Zone: 

Red Zone 1

Red Zone 1

^ Red Zone 2 v

Note: this is in the mind of Dipper (holding the list),

and the list's title says "Wendy Plan"

Part 3 - Stages of relationships

1. Lay down:
1. Physical expectations - 1 Tim 4:8; Prov. 31:18
2. Emotional expectations 
2. Getting to know a person in 5 different areas
1. Socially - ability to relate and connect 
2. Mentally - open mind to knew ideas and areas of decisions and directions
3. Emotionally - to understand feelings, able to share feelings or anger, sadness, stress, hope, joy and love
4. Spiritually - sharing moral and religious principles and beliefs
5. Physically - able to express yourself sexually through physical relationship ( <-- during marriage, not dating)
3. When permissive couples allow things to go to fast into physical area, they are stunted in growth of other areas - especially emotional and spiritual 
4. When dating and engagement is on the horizon, the dating process should be long enough to allow situation to arise in the first 4 areas 
5. the 6 stages of relationships
1. initiation 
1. first conversation - for fun, simple 
2. experimenting - getting to know one another
1. mental part of relationship is established
2. expressing ideas and hopes
3. nervous, not sure if one likes the other
4. hang out in groups, maybe coffee one on one 
3. intensifying - STARTING to date: make sure you grow close to God as you get to know the other person, if being pulled away, they're not the person to be in relationship with (revise at every stage) 
1. emotional side added - feelings shared
2. defences lowered, sharing feelings about one another 
3. spurring one another to grow in the LORD - not praying together though 
1. healthy ways to grow spiritually together
1. go to church together
2. volunteer together
3. share about devotional lives
4. evangelize together 
2. Praying binds one another together - NOT TO BE DONE IN BEGINNING STAGES OF DATING
4. Integrating - lives more intertwined 
1. social, mental, and emotional 
2. able to talk about any problem
3. spiritual - defining alignments and splinters  
1. goals, walk with the LORD, ministry 
4. purity can get hard to maintain - watch out
5. listening prayer to talk bout boundaries 
5. Revising 
1. what are you able to do physically without falling into Red Zone
6. WEDDING 
6. There is no right answer for how long one should date or be engaged - it depends on God and one another's relationship 

Summary: When it comes to dating someone, one needs to lay down their expectations of their potential dater - emotionally and physically. When dating, one needs to get to know a person in 4 areas: socially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually during the first 5 stages of relationships. During those stages, it is alway good to revise and see if what they are doing is godly - that way if they need to slow down or back out, no one gets badly hurt in the process.

Part 4 - Healthy dating, taking ownership of mistakes, Singleness 

1. Healthy dating - get out of the house (leaving yourself in inclosed and comfortable spaces can lead to permissiveness and to much intimacy), do things that are creative and affordable 
2. Take ownership of mistakes
1. do not blame the other person
2. do not make excuses 
3. do not point fingers at others 
4. See Genesis 3
3. "sign of wisdom and maturity - when you come to terms and realization that your decisions cause your rewards and consequences, you're responsible for your life, ultimate success depends on the choices you make" -  Dan
4. our responsibility as Christians is to stay in the green zone of dating - and not swaying into red zones
5. "When we blame other people, we give up the power to change" - Olivia 
6. If there was a drop of sewage in a cup of water, would you still drink it? No - then why should we watch movies, or listen to music, or read books and magazines, or play videogames, that has unnecessary violence and/or sex in it? Even if its just that little bit of sin, it still sin that affects our lives and how we view things
7. Are there things that are sickening God and you need to get rid of in order to have good and healthy relationships?
8. There is only for God and against God when it comes to what we do, say, think, and have
9. People who are single and not dating
1. reasons why some people are single
1. busy
2. fear
3. no body has asked them out
4. God's calling
5. 'waiting for the right one'
6. celibacy - lifetime of service to Christ (Matt 19:12)
7. High school student waiting till after graduation to date
2. No desire to date in the present time
3. Dealing with sinful actions - permissiveness 
4.  PURPOSE AND PLAN when it comes to singleness - God has a plan for whatever seasons we go though
10. lies that Satan has for single people
1. unattractive, undesirable, unwanted
1. BUT - you are made by God and are valuable, so do not settle for anyone or anything because of Satan's lies
2. a marriage or relationship will solve all your problems
1. security in relationship, and not in God, is REALLY dangerous
2. our emotional and physical needs will not be satisfied by the person we seek if God is not involved 
11. Seek Jesus, people notice this, and it IS attractive 
1. Matthew 6:33 

Summary: We need to take responsibility for our actions when we mess up when viewing and listening to things that dishonour God and warp our relationship with Him and other people, and we need to be wise in order to not fall into temptations. If there are things in our life that is destroying and damaging relationships - get rid of them. If you are single, do not believe Satan's lies, and follow and fall in love with Jesus through prayer and reading the Bible.  

SO - after all that info dump, here's my personal analysis and reasoning why the topic of Christian dating needed to be talked about.

In my 23 years of being raised as/being a Christian, I have NEVER had a clear and concise explanation on how dating works or why it should be done.
I can account for being in the legalistic side of the red zone, and let me tell you, it's not fun. This green zone of christian dating sounds so delightful, meaningful, God honouring, and I cannot help but pray that more people will read and catch onto this.
It was during Briercrest that my concern for romantic relationships became heightened  - because I would see and hear about relationships being so saturated in the red zones.

So for myself, my friends, and for the youth at youth group, I wanted to do my best to convey what true and healthy relationships looked like... without being sure as to how it works. THANK YOU DAN AND OLIVIA FOR THIS SEMINAR! 

So single Christian guys wanting to date: Step up! Go through the dating seminar yourself hosted by Dan and Olivia in the link at the beginning of this blog, and have no fear in asking a christian girl out for coffee, or bowling, or a walk in the park.
Single Christian girls wanting to date: Settle down! Go through the dating seminar yourself hosted by Dan and Olivia in the link at the beginning of this blog, and lay down your emotional and physical expectations of your future partner at the feet of Jesus! When that guy asks you out on a date, DON'T PLAN YOUR WEDDING AS YOU'RE GETTING READY FOR YOUR TIME OUT. Take the date as a date and get to know the guy.
To both genders wanting to date: trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge God and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6), seek after Him and His righteousness (Matthew 6:330, and do not take control but take action as you live your life as a living sacrifice to God that is holy and pleasing in view of His mercy (Romans 12:1).

By the way, do not feel ashamed if this is what you need to do next:

I felt like I had to do the same thing afterward. 

Let's do this dating thing right so that we can bring honour and glory to God, and that people who do not believe would see our relationships and know there is something different about us! 

~To God be the glory