Dark on me - Part 2

To start off: 

Thank you everyone who read my last blog and encouraged me with your kind words and affirmation to what I wrote about. In all honesty, I've only shared with a few people that story and even then I did not tell them about the part with my thoughts about the Devil. I was scared that they would criticize me or think I was insane to think such things. I thought I was afterwords so that's why I didn't say anything about those particular thoughts... but after some of your feed back, I can see now that moments like those shared with others can give hope to those that have been to those dark places are not alone, and God can see them through as well.


Secondly, I wanted to summarize two main points from the previous blog, selfishness and grief.

There's a reason why I could consider that time of asking God or the Devil to take my life an ultimate selfish moment. 
In my torrent of thoughts and feelings, somewhere along the line I acknowledged that my request could be a selfish one... but I also acknowledged that I didn't care. 
I was tired and done with trying to manage my life as a responsible adult and living up the the standards set by myself and the possible expectations of others. 

Now onto grief. It does seem weird that I could consider myself grieving during and after that night for the next month-ish. But I only realized I was grieving after reading this article posted on Facebook: "Learn How to Grieve" and I read this line, "it might be the loss of a job, dream, a relationship, status or innocence, especially the things we put our hope, confidence and value." 

So for the following month-ish, I sought out specific people who I could confide in about my ordeal and my questioning about youth ministry. Some of their responses helped a little, but it wasn't enough to soothe my soul which was still in torment. I even received a letter from my parents with enough money for rent and some to spare while it said "wishing you were here, but glad to know you are where God wants you to be." Tears sprang to my eyes reading this, thankful for their continuing support, but worried as to if I even knew why God wanted me on the prairies... if He wanted me here. 

During mid June, I was housesitting for my friends, and getting some steadier hours at the spa for work. I hadn't read my Bible for a while at this point, and talking to God had been minimal since the dark night. However, it was at this point that God got my attention. 

Picture this. I had netflix playing on tv, while on my computer with fb open, and was downloading a picture from my phone onto it. While scrolling on fb, I found this article: you-cant-serve-God-and-entertainment (seriously, read this article when you get the chance). I was super convicted by it, and even while I was midway through reading it, I looked around at all the entertainment units I had open and wasn't fully paying attention to them... and I said out loud, "I need help." 

The next day, I decided to not watch netflix and instead read through 1 Corinthians... all of it. I decided to read it after reading Francis Chan's the 'Forgotten God' remembering how he often quoted from it. After reading 1 Corinthians  I was amazed by how much wisdom is mentioned in it, which I knew from my Hebrew classes wisdom is associated with God and the Holy Spirit; and I was convicted by how the Holy Spirit gives us gifts for the Church's encouragement. 

I decided that the next Sunday I went to church, I would put myself to the test and know for sure if my gift of being highly sensitive would be glorifying to the church, and if that really was my gift or not. I was so excited that when I went to work and after hours of being there I was not even hungry. I believe that I truly was filled with the Holy Spirit then... and it was amazing. 

So, the following Sunday came... and... nothing happened. I even had to leave early because I was attending a bridal shower. During that time and during work that evening, I concluded that God didn't have to answer my prayer that sunday, He could do it whenever He wanted... little did I know that was sure to happen. 

It was almost the end of my shift at work, that I found out from one of my co-workers at the Spa that he had been tried for something he said he didn't do, and could end up in jail for eight years for it. As I listened to his story of his family life and his semi acceptance of the injustice of his situation... I cried. I told him I would come back after swiping out and when I did, I asked him if I could pray for him. Keep this in mind, he isn't a Christian, but he knows of Christianity and he is familiar with Joe's Place... and he still accepted prayer. I basically asked God for His justice in my co-worker's situation, and for His love to be maid known to him, as well as for complete control over the situation. 

After I prayed for my co-worker and was biking home, I realized God had answered my prayer for my gifts to be used. Sure, it wasn't in the church setting like I thought, but God used my prayer to show that with His gifts given, He could use me anywhere at anytime.

With this fire kindled in my heart and mind, I decided to seek out the Youth Pastor and ask if I could help him in a more major capacity now that I had graduated and could use more of my time to focus on the youth group. He agreed and we have since been planning the program and seeing what roles I could fulfill as well as seeking out others to help with the roles we need for the program. 
I can now look back and give thanks to the dark time I was placed in. If it was not for it, I would not know that I could go so low and yet God would wait patently and lovingly help me out of it and fill me with a new drive for youth ministry... all  the while strengthening my trust in Him. 
With that, I end this story with the rest of Psalm 13 I started with in my last blog:


Psalm 13: 5-6

"But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation

I will sing the Lord’s praise,
 for he has been good to me."

~To God be the glory