Dark on me - Part 1

Psalm 13:1-4

"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

    How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”   
 and my foes will rejoice when I fall."

I wanted to die...


HOLD UP. Before I continue, I must forewarn that this story gets dark, and confusing, but there is God's hope and mercy in it and I pray that those who read it will not get the wrong impression (whatever it my be), and that as always God would be glorified.

So, if you wish to continue with me down memory and thoughtful lane, follow me as I retell the time I was in the depths of grief.

It was during the "Youth Retreat" in late May that I realized how much my personality has its limitations. I was slightly stressed before going on the trip, because it was also around that time I had gotten my SK identification card, and had been applying for my SK health care card, and I was not getting a lot of hours at my work place. On the trip, I had a difficult time dealing with the youth who were not part of the youth group, they were youth who had no upbringing in Christianity and were only familiar with it through a Christian drop in centre in town and possible friends from school. This meant I could not use Biblical support to responses or reasonings when situations arose and expect them to understand and agree. On top of that, there were times responsibilities were thrusted upon me without any warning or time for me to prepare. Although people on the outside might have thought/said I was doing well, internally I was upset and flustered over the fact I had to make up things on the spot and not know if it was right or not, or conveyed well. It was our second evening there that I broke down. Another youth group showed up to play a game with us and have dinner; while our Youth Pastor knew this was going to happen, I didn't and was suddenly asked to give directions for our dinner all the while keep in my mind where my girls where and who they were associating with.

I couldn't take it anymore. One of the youth leader girls asked how I was doing and I couldn't lie... the tears and sobs were happening and I could't stop them. I told her how I was feeling, and although she was a great encouragement and our Youth Pastor said he would find time for me to get some alone time... I laid in bed that night left with my thoughts.

"Why am I so high maintenance?"
"What if I'm so introverted I can't do youth ministry?"
"What was the point of my degree? What was the point of four years spent out at Briercrest with my parent's and family's support only to think I should go home and face them?"
"What if this was all for nothing?"
"What is the point of my life? I thought it was youth ministry, but what if it's not... what do I do? How can I face my family after all this time?"
"God... God, if I cannot bring you honour and glory with my life... just take it. Let me fall asleep here and wake up to you if I cannot do this."
"If you cannot do it yourself... Even if these are the Devil's thoughts being put into my head... then let them crush me until I cannot breathe. I am so tired. I'm so done."

--- Let me just stop here a second : Yes, these were the thoughts I had. As tears streamed down my face and I held back the sobs so my girls wouldn't hear me, I cried these out to God in my head. I had been dutiful and faithful that God was directing me to be part of youth ministry... and now it seemed that my personality was just getting in the way. Perhaps that was why I was not getting enough hours at my work place, maybe I should have gone home as soon as youth group was over.
The part about I said about God not being able to take my life and letting the Devil came from my memory of Job's story and how he was afflicted. I remembered how God did not let the Devil take his life so in my twisted thinking I figured if God didn't want to take my life Himself then the Devil could do it for Him. By the way, it was also in this time I wasn't even thinking about how my girls, or youth group, or friends, or family would have responded if God decided to answer my cry. It was said to me that when you are suicidal you are at the most selfish point you can be... I believe I've had a taste of that.
Now, all that being said I have to say this, SPOILERS: I didn't die. ---

I woke up to being where I was the night before and the light of morning brightened the room. All I could think was, "Well, guess I'm still here."

Unfortunately, it would take a month for me to grieve and realize I needed God's help but I tell you this story to share why I have the purpose of writing this blog. God came through, even in my selfish and miserable time of grief and confusion, and thinking those dark things... He still let me live and even helped me realize I do have a purpose in youth ministry and I can bring Him honour and glory with my life.

More to come with part 2: "Dark on me - Part 2"

~To God be the glory