I have good news [This is Gospel] (part 2)

This is a continuation from my blog post "I have a confession [Pharisee goes Prodigal] (part 1)" so if you're just jumping in, you might want to go to that post first before continuing on with this one.

Last time I left off saying I was wondering why I had not experienced God's wrath since I had committed a sin against Him. 
I realize that I had been wondering about this, without realizing it's what I've had trouble understanding.
I did not deserve God's mercy or forgiveness, but I had received it because of Jesus... but if God really hates sin, and I had hurt Him like I did when I sinned, why was I not receiving SOME SORT of punishment?

Well, after 20-ish days of wondering this, I finally got my answer.

The church is going through a series called "No Longer Slaves" and we read through Numbers 11:4-20 (21-35 were summed up).

It's an account where the Israelites are complaining about eating manna (that God Himself was providing for them) and were LONGING for the food and "comforts" of Egypt. Moses and God hearing the Israelites whining, caused God to get angry and Moses questioned why God placed this people of burden on him.  God helped Moses first by getting him to appointed elders to assist him lead the people... then God gave exactly what the Israelites wanted - meat, and lots of it. "Until it comes out of [their] nostrils and [they] loathe it," because they had rejected the Lord (Numbers 11:20). Their very God whom was among His people, and they wailed before him about why they even left Egypt, their place of oppression. As the people who had rejected God ate the meat, they were struck with a plague and died, and that placed was called "Kibroth Hattaavah {graves of craving}, because there they buried the people who had craved other food" (Numbers 11:34).

While the preacher was talking, something triggered in my head.
I recalled in John's gospel that Jesus referred to himself as the "bread of life" that replaces the Manna that Moses gave (John 6: 30-36), and in this chapter of Numbers, the Israelites were rejecting the Manna that God was providing for them and craving for the things of Egypt (and the place itself even though it was an oppressive and enslaving place).
Then there's Moses, the mediator and advocate for the people of Israel, who, after the people had been wailing, said to God, 

"Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” (Numbers 11:11-15).

Moses couldn't even handle these people, and God dealt justly with them by giving them what they wanted. Then God let a plague kill the rebellious people, because they had rejected God and sinned against Him even though they said they would be His people and follow Him. 

I thought through this chapter and saw how these chosen people rejected God (thusly sinning and angering Him), and received His wrath justly.

I wondered, "Why didn't I experiencing something like that when I sinned against God."
It was then I realized... 
Jesus was my advocate. 

He was/is the better Moses, the one who COULD/CAN handle the burdens of sinful people, the one who COULD/CAN face the ruin of the cross and be glorified through it. 
Jesus was not just a sinless human... he was and is God Himself, that came to take all my sins away so I could have a relationship with Him. 

In my moment of sin... it was because my flesh was weak... I was going with what my sinful nature knew to look promising but under-delivered, but my mind that belongs to God showed me what choosing to view pornography was doing to Jesus on the cross.
"What a wretched [human] I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25).

Had I been an Israelite living under the O.T. Laws... I could have been obliterated by God because of the sin I committed against Him, but because of Jesus, and his establishing of the New Covenant with his death on the cross... God's wrath was taken out on Him.

When I realized that Jesus was/is my advocate,

I had this image come to mind where Jesus stood before me, facing God, and defending me.

His arms were stretched out, like he was shielding me... and all I could do to express

my thanks... was to hug him from behind. 

How I long to meet with Jesus so that I can thank him face to face for what he has done for me. Because of Jesus I do not have to fear the wrath of God for my sins... and I can have a right relationship with Him, because I have the righteousness of Jesus in me as I claim him as the Lord and Saviour of my life and follow as he leads in the Bible.

This is the Gospel, dear readers... Jesus, who is one with God, came to earth to bring hope, love, and understanding to humanity in order that we would have a right relationship with God that sin no longer separates us from.

Praise be to Jesus who revealed the love of God with his life and death!

~To God be the Glory

I have a confession [Pharisee goes Prodigal] (part 1)

[Writer's note: if you are reading this story, then it is because I have been able to count on two hands the number of people I have shared this account with, and now I am confident in Jesus the Christ/Messiah, who has forgiven all my sins, has graced me with courage and assurance to share this account to whomever reads it. To God be the glory!]

I believe there is one reason most Protestant denominations have neglected the aspect of confession... the process leading up to it HURTS.

I had to confess to my Youth Pastor of a sin I had committed against God.

This sin I committed was against God - as in I actively did it knowing God did not want me to to it... and in the process of doing it, I said, "I don't care."

After I committed the sin - this image came to mind... that I wrote in poetic form.

Deadly resolve (like an albatross)  

What actually happened (Spiritual Perspective): 

In the blackened void I stood over my Saviour. 

He lay on His back, arms spread, feet together. 

Hammer in hand, I straddled His torso;  

His face etched with betrayal and sorrow. 

He knew what my intentions were, 

He whispered my name. Smells like myrrh.  

My grin turned sinister,  

“I don’t care,” I slurred.  

Hammer collided with nail, 

blood splattered after the impale.  

Cries of agony rang out like major notes,  

maniacal laughter escaped my throat.  

Darker, yet darker; fades to black. 

Silhouettes and shadows displaying the attack.  

  

What happened (Friday Night): 

I was tired, I was upset, I was in pain; 

I wanted the emotional and physical strain to leave, 

I wanted to feel relief again. 

I turned on the laptop; 

I searched for laughter, I searched for entertainment, 

I found porn on my desktop.

I knew it was wrong, I knew what I was doing,  

but I said, “I don’t care.” 

The feelings of discomfort kept stewing. 

Pain was replaced with lust, 

it lasted during that time of viewing, 

but in the end, all I felt was disgust.  

The realization that hit was all too real,  

the deadly resolve; 

to take control of what I wanted to feel.  

I nailed my Saviour to the cross, 

when I decided to be my own God. 

Lost in a sea of blame. Like an albatross 

around my neck, shame has me in a bind. 

I feel my sins crawling on my back; 

twisting my heart, and tainting my mind. 

I have a confession: 

I have sinned against God and it affects people too;  

will you forgive me for my transgression?  

Yeah. 



In the decision to watch porn, I was doing that to Jesus. 

This pained me so badly once that scene came to mind and realized what I had done to my Saviour by doing what I wanted to do.
I have been raised in a Christian home that told me to do things based on what is good because God says so. I understood this and applied it, almost like a Pharisee.
This is the first sin I can recall that I blatantly did something that I knew God would not want me to do, but I did it anyways because I wanted what I wanted.

When I sinned, I realized I had hurt God directly in doing it... not just on a "Tsk, I should have done that, welp, moving on" level.
This was full out rebellion.
This Pharisee went Prodigal.

Thank God that He convicted me with this image that prompted me to write it out in poetry.... but, we were not done there.
I felt deep within my spirit that someone else needed to know what I had done, and repented for.

So... I went to the Youth Pastor. I knew that this sin does affect the ministry I am involved in, and if I could not be trusted after confessing, then I figured the youth pastor had the right to know and make a judgment call. I would be a hypocrite if I did not say anything... so I knew he was the first one I needed to confess to.

As I walked to the church - my body shook, my chest was heavy, and even as I asked God for strength, but part of me felt like I didn't deserve to ask God for anything after what I had done. 

As I sat in the youth pastor's office, I looked straight into his eyes as I confessed my sin, shared the poem with him, sobbed like a child... and yet... he forgave me.
He assured me that my ministry involvement would not be compromised, the fact I had confessed was assurance of my soft heart's response to the Holy Spirit's conviction.
The youth pastor also assured me that in Jesus, I have assurance of Salvation.

In that same hour with the youth pastor of confession, forgiveness, affirmation, and prayer, he and I planned together the next few weeks of youth group talks.

After I had left the church and was walking back home - my shakes were gone, and my chest felt so light, and my soul felt at ease. HOWEVER, I still was not done. 

I asked a dear friend to be my accountability partner, and after she heard my confession of sin, she mercifully said she would, and was gracious to state the lengths of help she would go to if I needed it.
At one point in the conversation she brought up the reality that Jesus stands at God's side defending me on my behalf despite my sins.
I started crying again and responded, "knowing that... despite that image of me nailing Jesus to the cross-"
My friend nodded her head, "He's still defending you. Even if you don't feel forgiven, you are."

It's so good to know that even though I messed up horribly, God and my Christian friends can find it in their hearts to forgive and even help me.

However, even though I had confessed, and was on the way of understanding God's forgiveness... I could not understand why God's wrath was not part of the equation. If God truly despises sin and rebellion, why have I not received some sort of punishment? Since February 2nd I've been wondering about this, and on February 28th, I received my answer...


(Part 2 to follow - "I have good news [This is Gospel]")


~To God be the Glory

Borderline broken... Sovereign shepherd

"I'm borderline happy, and I'm borderline sad
I'm borderline good and I'm borderline bad

"and I can't get rid of the tingling fear
you'd sort me out if my head gets clear
I live my life in shackles, but I'm borderline free

"I used to be blind but I still can't see
And I won't get 'round to a change of mind
as long as nobody breaks my stride." 

I was listening to this song (see above quotes) practically on repeat till wednesday mid morning. Since it's almost Hillcrest's time for a "Set Free" event (like that of Southland), I was told I needed to meet up and do some prayer sessions in preparation for this event (I'm not just going to be a participant, this time I'll be helping out). 
I was able to meet up with a woman's prayer team Wednesday around 10:30am.

So, that morning I was doing my own thing, reading from the book of Romans chapters 6-8 (and noted that if we say we are Christians and the desire to NOT sin is within us, that is the assurance of our allegiance to God and Jesus. Also that if we say we are Christian and we DO sin, it's not because we are under its sway, but it's because we chose to succumb to it). All the while I was
listening to the song that I opened this blog with and once 10am rolled around I headed out to the church where we were meeting.

Joy (alias, not real name) led us through what we will be doing for our Set Free event and just as a way for ourselves to be prepared for it if we're involved. She suggested we go through Psalm 32 and then work through the prayer sheet she gave us.
As I did this I began to pray, "Lord, I know I am highly imaginative and probably the first thing that will come to mind is what I did this morning but-"
I didn't even finish my prayer and that song began to play in my head... however, instead of dismissing it, I rolled with it and asked God, "Why have I been listening to that song so much?"
As I recalled the lyrics (mainly the chorus), I realized that song was reflecting how I was feeling about my moral dilemma... that I strive to do and be good, but sin and physical weariness seems to get the better of me - "I'm borderline good and I'm borderline bad."
Immediately the words, "Romans 8" came to mind, I looked in that passage and the verse that struck me was verse 9:

You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if the indeed the Spirit of God lives in you.

(Romans 8:1-17, was really assuring in the struggle I was having about being good and bad - go and read it yourselves and see what it says). 

I thought further about what this song was revealing about my thoughts and the idea came to mind that in this concept of struggle between good and bad, the enemy and/or my sinful desires will always pull me down. On this borderline between good and evil, the enemy is and my sinful desires are stronger. HOWEVER, the immediate thought after that, having read Romans 8, assured me that There does not have to be a struggle for I am free in Christ.

There is always a way out [from the temptation so sin]. God does not lead us into temptations to make us sin... rather He shows us the temptations so that we would come to Him in trust that we would not give into it and seek His help.

The truth that God wanted me to know about my struggle is that I am redeemed. Considering Israel, who sinned against God again and again, even after God had made them His chosen people, He still did not give up on them... Even me.
I am chosen by God to be a follower of Jesus, and that sin I have asked forgiveness for (as well as every sin I commit today, and will commit in the future) will not separate me from God because of Jesus.

In the wrap up of the prayer session, Joy shared with us the thoughts God placed on her heart while she was praying for us through Psalm 32. When it was my turn, she said, "God would counsel you, in the desires you want to be fulfilled."
I went away from that meeting feeling a little more encouraged, and excited for the Set Free event.


However, on Thursday, I felt a little more down, and tried to understand that Psalm Joy had read from and the part that seems it may be the LORD speaking instead of the Poet, but I wasn't sure.

I asked God, by His Holy Spirit, to help me understand the flow of the Psalm and what about that verse that Joy chose was so significant.
As I read aloud and thought through the passage I began to understand that the instruction in the ways a person goes, and the counsel in Psalm 32:8, is God talking about His Laws (O.T.) when the person is living their life day to day and making sure they are not sinning against God.

As I lay upon my bed last night, I gave a quite sob. I am not making a lot of money, things need to be paid for and I stress over my job and I long to be in youth ministry as a full time career... I want to fulfill what God's calling me to... I turned towards the ceiling and stretched out my arms as I cried, "I don't want to fail you God, I don't want to go this life alone, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, I want you to be there... always."

 Then I began to settle as I realized that vocation does not always have to be a job, it's simply doing what God is calling me to. Right now, I am in youth ministry as a volunteer, and for now I go to work at the Spa as a prep-cook.

Truly, truly God is good, and He is aware of my financial status and for now I am making what I am in need of having.
Also, He truly is sovereign. And as He is sovereign and in control of my life, He can make any error I make into a thing of glory to Himself, and any good thing I do is only good because of Jesus.

Oh... oh the sweet relief and joy that soothed my soul once I realized this truth. I woke up this morning at ease with life and thankful of God's presence when I am or am not aware of it.

I read Psalm 23, and dwelled upon verse 3, "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." The LORD, God, who is also Jesus, that came as our good shepherd... restores our souls as he leads and guides us. He is the one who makes us righteous and guides us on the path of righteousness not for our own sakes, but for the sake of His name. We, Christians, are the representatives of Jesus who claimed to be one with God; and so as people note our goodness and our uncharacteristically loving attitudes, we say, "it's because of Jesus"- It's His name that is at stake when we live our lives is accordance, or not, to His will. As our good shepherd leads us, it is not in desperation or in resentment, He does so with goodness and lovingkindness (Psalm 23:6).

As I walked to work this morning, I asked God, "Is this what the feeling of joy is? Is this what being aware of your presence and love is like?"

"I don't want to forget this... how I wish this feeling would never leave..."

This morning I came across this song (thanks to my brother who introduced me to the band), and thought this fit the experience I've had over these past few days:

Thank you for taking the time to read this...

~To God be the Glory

Wishing and hoping (right relations wrap up)

Well, we finished our “Right Relationships” talk in Jr youth group. If you read my last blog post "Jr. Youth progression" and happened to be one of the people that prayed for the series, my thanks goes to you.

For the final talk this past Wednesday, the youth pastor and I tag teamed the talk. 

He opened with a recap of his talk with the guys during the first week - noting how popularity often plays a part in having friendships, and then I summed up my time with the girls - noting how trust and gossip play a big role in our friendships and read from Ruth using Naomi and Ruth as an example of good friendship. Then he talked about how the world tends to view how guys and girls relate to each other, and then I ended with the “Five Love languages,” and gifts of the Spirit found in Romans 12, as practical ways to show and receive love from one another. I also explained how guys function by showing respect in relationships and physical interaction for friendship bonding; whereas girls function by showing affection in relationships and talking/sharing for friendship bonding. 

It was a good three weeks, and I wish we could have spent more time on practical application but hopefully that can develop as the rest of the year unfolds. 

Now we will be going into “Pre-Easter” and “Gospel” talks, considering Easter is only a month a way. 

Stay tuned and thanks for your continued interest and prayers!

~To God be the Glory

Jr. Youth progression

Hey Everyone!

Sorry for the lack of posting, there hasn't been much that stood out to post on, nor any personal thoughts I deemed worthy of sharing.

HOWEVER, I figured with what's going on now in Jr. youth, it was about time to notify what's happening.

Since mid January, our group has finished 2 Timothy and we've started a mini series of "Right Relationships" - that is, "Right Friendships."

Something the youth pastor and I have noticed in youth group is the polar differences in interaction and conversation between girls and guys in how they treat and view each other. I've noticed for the girls that they will either treat/talk to guys like they're dirt, OR they crush on them/objectify them. The youth pastor noted some similar dealings with the guys so we concluded that we should specifically teach on how to treat one another.

Yeah... this is NOT how to do it.

This past Wednesday, we split the guys and girls up and the youth pastor gave the guys a talk on how guys often do and should treat each other, and I gave a talk to the girls on how girls often do and should treat each other.

I spoken on how girls will relate to one another based on mutual similarities/interests and most importantly trust, and when there is no trust it is easy to gossip. I then ran a little skit with two of the other female leaders on what gossip can look like, and then we looked at some verses that deal with gossip (lots found in proverbs). At the end we heard stories from other female leaders that related to Proverbs 27:6 ("Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses").
From what I understand, the youth pastor focused on status, respect, and popularity for the guys.
The girls listened and participated well with the talk, were as the guys for some reason that night were not very cooperative and the leaders had a hard time getting them to focus.

This upcoming Wednesday, we will be talking about how guys should treat girls, and how girls should treat guys. This means that I will be talking to the guys and the youth pastor will be talking to the girls.
Prayer for this mini series would be highly appreciated.
It's funny, because on Vancouver Island, I found that there was not much of a struggle for girls and guys to interact with one another, but for some reason, here on the Prairies, it's a little hard and borderline awful. Maybe it's the Mennonite history/ mentality here...  but I'm really not sure.

One step at a time

By the third week of this mini series, we'll wrap up by highlighting some main points from the previous talks and drawing upon 1 John (which will be a nice reminder from September).

In the end, the hope and idea is that there will be less awkward and rude dealings with opposite genders in the future with our youth group and more  healthy and natural interactions.

Something like this. 

~To God be the Glory